Don’t tell me your old wives’s tales when you’re only in your 20s. Don’t tell me how to love because I will love how and who I want. Don’t tell me anything.
Things I am worried about:
- Being pregnant because I am an idiot.
- Not passing 102 because I am an idiot.
- Failing math because I am still an idiot.
- My boyfriend breaking up with me because I am an idiot.
- Dropping out of college because I am an idiot.
- No one liking me because I am an idiot.
- Getting fat because I am a fat idiot.
- Being an idiot.
Trying very hard not to lose my sanity right now. I feel as if I’m going to shatter into a million pieces at any moment. Time is not on my side, and it’s fleeing from me at a fast pace. I don’t know what to do.
I thought you were good. Why do you have to do this to me? I’m more than good for you.
I have such a terrible need for selfish, all-consuming love.
I am your world and there is no one else besides me.
I want to run away from this place as fast and as far as my legs will carry me. I can feel the walls closing in and my heartbeat quickening. Someone, please come and help me forget for awhile.
I was supposed to see my old moon tonight. Oh, old moon, keep floating outward into space without me. If you were to come back, you would destroy me.
I’m missing the fog of the bay area right now - or, more specifically, Lafayette. I miss that amazing view and that stupidly long house. I had a routine there. It was not a spectacular routine, but it existed nonetheless.
I’m not sure if I miss you though. I think what I’m missing right now is the frosty air blowing through my hair as I drove back home with my music turned up high. I miss the lush green forests sprouted here and there, the soft wind that would blow through them.
I miss the old college campus that I had grown so fond of and familiar with. I miss the friends I was beginning to make there. There was a certain anticipation there, and now it is gone.
I wouldn’t live that chapter of my life again, but I do sometimes feel the urge to re-read the entire thing over again.
I miss my best friend. Looking back on old pictures of our texts kills me. We had such a special bond.
Tonight I almost had another panic attack. My roommates had made a big fuss about me bringing E over (they were practically begging me to bring him over to socialize with them), and so I did to work on our homework together.
However, when we were there, they started acting differently and being a bit mean-spirited.
E is so very kind and polite - he introduced himself to those he had not met, and made sure to say a soft Hello to those who walked in through the door. The girls weren’t impressed, however, and awkwardly sidestepped us or rudely interjected. They weren’t trying, and I began to feel the walls closing in around me and my cheeks turn hot.