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After 11 months, I have found myself dumped. I have been very upset about this, as I imagined a life with this guy. We had discussed children’s names, places we were going to visit when we both finished school, browsed apartments online, and even looked at wedding venues.

But alas, here I am, three weeks after the break up and struggling to be on my own once more.

This break up has hit me harder than anything in my life before - why? I think it’s because I rose higher than I ever had and ended up falling further than ever. This break up has also forced me to acknowledge why this keeps happening to me and has made me realize the recurring patterns in my life.

It has only been 3 weeks, but I have discovered that all my life (or at least since puberty) I have been running away from “the void”. What this void signifies in my life is depression and abandonment. I think I’ve always been depressed but even worse is that I’ve always been abandoned.

So what does all of this mean? Well, I suppose it means that I have continued to chase men who resemble my parents in a way: emotionally detached and do not know how to cope with their feelings. My parents always argued with each other in front of me growing up (in fact, I have no memory whatsoever of them not arguing in front of me). They hated each other, yet my mother made sure that I knew that she was staying with him because of me. She also used me in order to get to my father, keeping me away from him for most of my life. By the time he passed away when I was a teenager, I had no idea who he was. Yes, we lived together, but other than that, I knew nothing about him.

Ever since then I have been running to fill that void, and yet continue to find men who I can repeat my parent’s relationship with. Why is this? How can I move on from this?

Hopefully therapy can help. I’m tired of filling this void.

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I forgot this tumblr existed. Whoops.

Frustration. Anxiety. These are two negative emotions that I do not want to associate with my living situation but unfortunately they have come to be associated. My roommate is intolerable. She’s a generally clean person, but her personality is fairly shitty.

I can’t use my room a lot of week nights (even when I have a midterm the next morning) because she’s in the room with her boyfriend. 

She’s insufferable. Why don’t they go to his place? Why are they always here? I understand that it’s her room as well, but on that note, it is also mine. 

I can’t wait to switch apartments next year. I sincerely hope I get someone nice next year. 

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Things I am worried about:

  1. Being pregnant because I am an idiot.
  2. Not passing 102 because I am an idiot.
  3. Failing math because I am still an idiot.
  4. My boyfriend breaking up with me because I am an idiot.
  5. Dropping out of college because I am an idiot.
  6. No one liking me because I am an idiot.
  7. Getting fat because I am a fat idiot.
  8. Being an idiot.
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Trying very hard not to lose my sanity right now. I feel as if I’m going to shatter into a million pieces at any moment. Time is not on my side, and it’s fleeing from me at a fast pace. I don’t know what to do.

I thought you were good. Why do you have to do this to me? I’m more than good for you.

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My heart is such a fluttering mess.

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Don’t tell me your old wives’s tales when you’re only in your 20s. Don’t tell me how to love because I will love how and who I want. Don’t tell me anything.

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I have such a terrible need for selfish, all-consuming love.

I am your world and there is no one else besides me.

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I want to run away from this place as fast and as far as my legs will carry me. I can feel the walls closing in and my heartbeat quickening. Someone, please come and help me forget for awhile.

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I was supposed to see my old moon tonight. Oh, old moon, keep floating outward into space without me. If you were to come back, you would destroy me.

© STR-WRS